I'll Stay Where You Want Me to Stay

Music speaks the words we cannot seem to say. For me it speaks the words my Heavenly Father can't actually say to me. It seems when I am hurting and begging for an answer He speaks to me through music. This week it's been hymns.

It started on Sunday. I was asked to lead the music on Sunday to fill in for the regular chorister. I had been fasting for peace and understanding. It started to come during the opening hymn. I posted it on my instagram earlier this week. I could feel the spirit so strongly as the congregation sang. It felt almost as the people I had come to know and love were trying to comfort me with these words. I only had room for one verse in the graphic but look at the the rest of the song.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All mysterious be bright at last.

Be still, my soul.: The waves and will still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joy restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

He is guiding my life, however hard it may be for me, but He is taking an active part and molding me to what He needs me to be. "Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake" Not gonna lie, having confidence that there's a plan is freaking hard! And hoping that I'll be okay soon is really hard too. One day it will all be clear and I WILL understand. 

Soon I will be chillin upstairs with my main man and he will explain why things were the way they were if I don't already understand. But what really stands out to me are the next two lines. To know the highest highs I have to go through some really crappy stuff. I thought I'd been through enough but Heavenly Father has some big plans for me and I can't wait to see what they are. 

So let's go back to Sunday. By the time the song was over I was having a hard time keeping it together. I knew Heavenly Father had made sure I was leading so I would be paying close attention to the words of the hymn. And if that song wasn't enough to drive home His point let me just tell you the other songs. We sang "I Stand All Amazed" for our sacrament hymn and "Our Savior's Love" for our closing hymn. I think it's safe to say God had a hand in that.

Let's fast forward to Tuesday. I went to transfer meetings with one of my besties, Sister Ballard and then brought her companion back. It's almost like being back in a great singles ward, one that I would drive two hours to go to every week without complaint. President Cottle, the mission president, had asked the missionaries to sing "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go." He had the third verse up on the projector and for a moment I thought the second to last line of the chorus said "I'll stay where you want me to stay" Holy Freaking Cow, could that be any bigger of a direct message! By the time we started the second line of the first verse I was already in tears and then it only went down hill after that.

It may not be on a mountain height,

Or over a stormy sea,

It may not be at the battle's front

My Lord will have need of me.

But if, by a still small voice he calls

To paths that I do not know,

I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine,

I'll go where you want me to go.

I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord,

Over mountain or plain or sea;

I'll say what you want me to say dear Lord,

I'll do what you want me to do.

Perhaps today there are loving words

Which Jesus would have me speak;

There may be now in the paths of sin
Some wand'rer whom I should seek.
O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,
Tho dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo the message sweet:
I'll say what you want me to say.

I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord,

Over mountain or plain or sea;

I'll say what you want me to say dear Lord,

I'll do what you want me to do.

There's surely somewhere a lowly place
In earth's harvest fields so wide
Where I may labor through life's short day
For Jesus, the Crucified.
So trusting my all to thy tender care,
And knowing thou lovest me,
I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:
I'll be what you want me to be.

I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord,

Over mountain or plain or sea;

I'll say what you want me to say dear Lord,

I'll do what you want me to do.

If you remember in that big post about all this I said that my answer to the question of "Where would you like to serve?" was quite similar to "I'll go where you want me to go." How good is our Heavenly Father for giving me this song to calm my troubled heart! I'll stay where he wants me to stay. And I'll work towards be okaying with that. 

Can you see why I was started tearing up so fast? I wanted to be at the battle's front, spreading the word but that's not where he needs me. I am constantly asking Him to be my guide through this "dark and rugged" path that I'm navigating. I'm constantly working my way into the dark to see a little more light from Him. I really am "trusting my all to thy tender are, and knowing thou lovest me." I don't have a plan b. I put all my eggs in one basket and counted them before they hatched. I'm feel like I'm back to square one with my life and it's a freaking scary place to be! 

But I just want you to know God hears your heart's pleas and wants to help you. And seriously, I'm all about my newest inspiration "I'll stay where you want me to stay." In fact I might even get all crafty mccrafterson about it and but it on a wood block. {You know exactly what I'm talking about!}